Tomorrow I am turning 30. I feel no particular way about it, because I have been gradually aging since the day I was born, people have been asking how I feel and I feel just like I did when I turned 29 and 28. I think years are an experience and this year has been such an experience for me one of the most terrible, beautiful, sad, scary, greatest experience of my life thus far. Standing on the edge of 30 I can see how amazing and transforming it was. How much I learned about God and who I am because of who he is. I am making a list of things I want to focus on this year I am trying to do a top 5 I am currently at 4. My first one is to have intentional, meaningful, God-Centered relationships with people and to build on the relationships I already have, to understand them better, to put more time and attention into them. Second to live more intentionally , with more purpose, with more peace about the decisions I make in life. Third learn more about Jesus, learn more about who I am because he chose me. Fourth love people better, learn to be loved better, hold tight to my true source of love and try not to make someone else that main source. As I said I am still working on #5. I am excited about 30 I am excited about what it will look and feel like. I am excited for what I will learn and leave and how I will be at the end of it. I am excited about this Experience and I am more excited that I had my last experience to prepare me for this one.
On Sunday Matt Redman lead praise and worship at church. It was amazing! During worship when he spoke he said something that completely shook my spirit. He said singing is a way we can intentionally give our breath back to God who has given it to us. What a wonderful visual to release your breath in song to the King of Kings, to do it willingly, intentionally and often. It made my heart shine thinking about giving something back to Lord on my own because I want to not because I wanted something. It makes me more aware of how and when I come to Christ. Wanting to come to just give instead of wanting to receive, praying because I am thankful for what I have instead of praying for what I want and for what I think I am missing, praising him when I fill full not just when I am empty. Being aware of Him at every moment not just when i need something, not just when things aren’t going the way I think they should, but to totally be aware of him with every breath I breathe.
A few weeks ago I was at a small bible study group. We were talking and one of the ladies made a comment she said (I am paraphrasing), “I think sometimes we try to hold together our broken pieces, we try to keep from breaking all the way but the Lord wants us to completely let go to be fully and completely broken so he can put us back together piece by piece.” I heard it and immediately got offended. “She doesn’t know my life I been through so much I am as broke as one could be, what does she even mean, I am letting God put me together!” And then the Lord said, “Are you?” and at that moment I knew I was offended because I was using tape, super glue, rope anything I could to hold MYSELF together. But human effort gets human results and I never stayed together for very long a piece would loosen here a piece there I would always be in a cycle of trying to fix myself. I don’t want to fix myself. I want the Lord who created me, who knows me, who knows my pieces better than even I do to fix me. I am giving myself back to the Fixer of all things, I don’t want to do it myself anymore.
For the past couple of days I have been really thinking about my relationship with God. The fact that we are called to love him and be completely satisfied in him, makes me nervous. Sometime I dont even know if I am loving well the people who I can touch, see, hear and speak to everyday. To love God who in my human mind I can’t touch see or hear seems impossible. I was thinking to myself, “How do I do that?” and a answer came, “A day at a time.” I was thinking about the way the Lord gives us enough to live out the day. Enough not our enough, and I think for a while I got lost in that word. Enough. I was reaching for my enough, the enough I thought the Lord was suppose to give the enough I required and but the Lord was saying, ” No, my enough for you is different then your enough for you. An Enough that is really enough, yours you will continually dry out and you will need more. But mines will fill and overflow” Enough grace, patience, love to carry you through this day to give to others and still have my enough which is more than enough. I have been thinking about enough lately because I didn’t feel I had enough and I didn’t, because my enough was coming for me and from people who I wanted to fill me, when all I needed was God’s enough only his and to accept and receive whatever that enough was for that day all of it without question or comment without nagging or crying for more. My days have been filled with more peace and calm then I could have ever imagined, once I let go of what my thoughts of enough were and took a hold of God’s Enough for me.
Way up I feel blessed :-). People use that word often, without really understanding what it means. The webster definition is made holy; consecrated. If we use it in that context everyone who has given their life to Jesus is blessed. They aren’t blessed because of the amount of money they’ve made or cars or people who love them, they aren’t blessed because of what they have or what they don’t have, they aren’t blessed because everything is going right in their life, they are blessed because of the God they serve. And if you know God and accepted his son Jesus in your life you are blessed. I also believe being blessed is about the contentment of recognizing that blessed and blessings are nothing you can obtain for yourself, nothing you can earn or lose, just another one of those amazing free gifts you get from God without any effort on your part. So, stay blessed!
I wonder how much better life would be if we lived in the goodness of the Lord, the “And we Know that in ALL things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.” goodness. Image if every single day no matter what happens, no matter what obstacles, no matter what you lose , no matter the mistakes you make you view it as It’s all good, know questions about it. Every part and piece of your life will be worked together for your good and God’s glory. We have a choose to be worry free or worry filled. Because your life is already written every worry is set right, every obstacle is overcome, every mistake corrected, every loss regained bigger and better. If we trust that every word of God is true and he is a Good Father, we have the ability to live everyday in the sun, in the beauty of goodness, grace, mercy and forgiveness and we have a choose to live everyday joyfully because whatever that day brings, whatever hardship or pain we know that it is being worked for our good. So, let today be the start of your God good life living.
Most of the time I am way too far head of God or to far behind. Either doing everything I shouldn’t or doing nothing at all. It’s hard, but my desire and prayer lately has been Lord keep me at your pace. We run, we stop to catch our breath and then we realize we where going much to fast to begin with, for some reason that fast walk jog that we see people do. The one we laugh at in our heads, the one that makes no sense, either you walk or run but that speed walking things… Is exactly where we need to be. We need to speed walk with God so we can slow do without hesitation or speed up with out the worry of getting tired. The Lord is walking at a pace that we can’t understand, but our mission is not to understand. Our mission is to run with patience endurance the race set before us. Patience Endurance, not getting angry when you feel the pace is to slow, not giving up when you feel like your going nowhere, not running ahead to where you think your suppose to go but being in the place at the pace that the Lord was set for you and going until the end no matter what. So, when you talk to God today ask him Lord, I am not sure what pace I am going right now but I want to be in tune with your pace and give me the patience endurance to stay at your pace no matter what comes my way.