I began a relationship a few years ago that I shoud not have been in. It was a struggle for me to let it go because this was the first time I liked someone enough to really feel it. It scared my to let it go because I thought what if it never came back, this feeling this overwhelming, wonderful and terrible all at the same time feeling. During that time I spoke with my mentor and she said let go. She then went on to talk about David and Bathsheba, and during that time because my mind was so consumed with not letting go I thought well God brought Solomon out of that relationship, they stayed together it couldn’t be that bad. But that was the state of mind I was in I didn’t want to recieve the truth of that story. This morning I woke up and God reminded me of that moment and then revealed the truth that at that moment I didn’t want to see. David sinned he did wrong he had a choice he made the wrong one, but God is good and he worked David’s wrong out for his good, but God didn’t say oh David that’s fine I will just fix this for you, he punished David first with the death of the first child they had, but after the punishment he blessed him with another child who happened to be Solomon. For a while I had this notion, “God knows what I will do, God knows how I will react to things.” and this is true but the real truth behind it is God knows your chooses and you can chose to be better, you can make the right choice and not the wrong one and God knows that. Sin is sin, wrong is wrong. Yes, God knows you but so does the devil and he will try his hardest to make you chose wrong and then justified it. Chose right, chose righteousness be as Good in the dark as you are in the light. Yesterday I heard Pricilla Shirer speak and she spoke of a boat and how when it is turned upside down the atmosphere invites critters to it, they don’t need an invitation the environment calls to them and that is how Satan works if you are living in a environment that is hospitable to Satan he will be there, but if you flip that boat and let the sunshine on it the environment changes and it becomes uninhabitable for Satan. Live a life inhospitable to Satan. Everyday chose to sit in the sun, chose good, chose right, chose truth, chose well and intentionally, chose God’s glory over self. That is my ambition for this year and for every year after I chose life, the life that the Lord has for me, the good life.
It is the end of the year, the old is going out and the new is coming in. It is such an amazing thing, time, how it can’t be moved at any other pace but it’s own. People say all the time, oh this year flew by or this day is dragging on. But, it doesn’t move any faster or any slower it just moves. But for God time is different the Word says, “With the Lord a day is like a thousand years, and a thousand years are like a day” Time is our experience, why the Lord choose to give us that to experience with all the other things we have to experience in the World is beyond me. But we do and how do we use this experience; how much focus do you put into to time, how much of yourself do you lose to time, how much of yourself do you lose to things that aren’t worth your time. I think the Lord has an idea about how we should spend the time he gives us, but we become so focused on what we want to do with it or that there is never enough of it, we don’t ask him. 2018 will come in just as 2017 did and the year will go by just the same, the only difference will be how we choose to spend this time experience. How we want or how God wants. For me this year I will try my hardest to spend my God given time, the way God would want. I am not sure yet how that will look or how I would even going about doing it, but I think just saying it out loud, “Lord, I want to spend the time you are giving me the way you want.” I think it starts, cogs being spinning and things start going into motion that we can’t even see or understand. Faith, that he will answer when we ask. I will have that faith this year, everyday, every minute, every second. Maybe, It will be a difficult task at first but I believe the Lord will give me the strength to follow through. I pray this year will End well and Begin in the most beautiful way. I claim victory over this new piece of time we are getting and I hope to be spending well!
I think a lot about Who God is, his attributes. As I was driving a young man home one night and he was talking about his relationship with God, somewhere in our conversation he said, “I am a good person”. And I thought about that a lot how God is a good God but our perception of good is different from the kind of Good he is, his good is pass comprehension, we can’t even fathom what good really means when it comes to God. The definition of good is
Tomorrow I am turning 30. I feel no particular way about it, because I have been gradually aging since the day I was born, people have been asking how I feel and I feel just like I did when I turned 29 and 28. I think years are an experience and this year has been such an experience for me one of the most terrible, beautiful, sad, scary, greatest experience of my life thus far. Standing on the edge of 30 I can see how amazing and transforming it was. How much I learned about God and who I am because of who he is. I am making a list of things I want to focus on this year I am trying to do a top 5 I am currently at 4. My first one is to have intentional, meaningful, God-Centered relationships with people and to build on the relationships I already have, to understand them better, to put more time and attention into them. Second to live more intentionally , with more purpose, with more peace about the decisions I make in life. Third learn more about Jesus, learn more about who I am because he chose me. Fourth love people better, learn to be loved better, hold tight to my true source of love and try not to make someone else that main source. As I said I am still working on #5. I am excited about 30 I am excited about what it will look and feel like. I am excited for what I will learn and leave and how I will be at the end of it. I am excited about this Experience and I am more excited that I had my last experience to prepare me for this one.
On Sunday Matt Redman lead praise and worship at church. It was amazing! During worship when he spoke he said something that completely shook my spirit. He said singing is a way we can intentionally give our breath back to God who has given it to us. What a wonderful visual to release your breath in song to the King of Kings, to do it willingly, intentionally and often. It made my heart shine thinking about giving something back to Lord on my own because I want to not because I wanted something. It makes me more aware of how and when I come to Christ. Wanting to come to just give instead of wanting to receive, praying because I am thankful for what I have instead of praying for what I want and for what I think I am missing, praising him when I fill full not just when I am empty. Being aware of Him at every moment not just when i need something, not just when things aren’t going the way I think they should, but to totally be aware of him with every breath I breathe.
A few weeks ago I was at a small bible study group. We were talking and one of the ladies made a comment she said (I am paraphrasing), “I think sometimes we try to hold together our broken pieces, we try to keep from breaking all the way but the Lord wants us to completely let go to be fully and completely broken so he can put us back together piece by piece.” I heard it and immediately got offended. “She doesn’t know my life I been through so much I am as broke as one could be, what does she even mean, I am letting God put me together!” And then the Lord said, “Are you?” and at that moment I knew I was offended because I was using tape, super glue, rope anything I could to hold MYSELF together. But human effort gets human results and I never stayed together for very long a piece would loosen here a piece there I would always be in a cycle of trying to fix myself. I don’t want to fix myself. I want the Lord who created me, who knows me, who knows my pieces better than even I do to fix me. I am giving myself back to the Fixer of all things, I don’t want to do it myself anymore.
For the past couple of days I have been really thinking about my relationship with God. The fact that we are called to love him and be completely satisfied in him, makes me nervous. Sometime I dont even know if I am loving well the people who I can touch, see, hear and speak to everyday. To love God who in my human mind I can’t touch see or hear seems impossible. I was thinking to myself, “How do I do that?” and a answer came, “A day at a time.” I was thinking about the way the Lord gives us enough to live out the day. Enough not our enough, and I think for a while I got lost in that word. Enough. I was reaching for my enough, the enough I thought the Lord was suppose to give the enough I required and but the Lord was saying, ” No, my enough for you is different then your enough for you. An Enough that is really enough, yours you will continually dry out and you will need more. But mines will fill and overflow” Enough grace, patience, love to carry you through this day to give to others and still have my enough which is more than enough. I have been thinking about enough lately because I didn’t feel I had enough and I didn’t, because my enough was coming for me and from people who I wanted to fill me, when all I needed was God’s enough only his and to accept and receive whatever that enough was for that day all of it without question or comment without nagging or crying for more. My days have been filled with more peace and calm then I could have ever imagined, once I let go of what my thoughts of enough were and took a hold of God’s Enough for me.